i had to go through my first day without seeing any of my children. collin had problems.

i had come to the clinic in the bestest of moods, went to brunas room and found the note "am with the kids". so i went down there. unfortunately a doctor had to tell me that collins blood pressure was low and his belly bloated by some liquid. to not further keep her from doing more necessary things i got out of there.

strange, i always pride myself in being eloquent and always thought the only thing that can not be expressed with words would be mail. but there really are no words describing the feeling while sitting in some place waiting for the news of salvation of your child. trying to think positive, of course. never let the conversation creep off the wrong way. thinking of super-concious spheres, where all life is supposed to be connected. trying to rake up as much energy there as possible and sending it collins way. the more, the better. it went thus far that i substituted hera for collin before going to bed: i pet her and talked to her the way i would with the little man. told him, he WILL make it, that we are real cool dudes and are waiting for him and are looking forward to him and that he will enjoy us and what we have and stand for, that he will feel comfortable. we are where the fun is, i said again and again. apparently he is a fun seeker. and we got lucky!

another time big ones have saved a little one. my little one...

and cold darkness became the next day...